I close my eyes and I still see them.
I cover my ears and I still hear them.
I lay quiet at night and I feel their presence.
They crawl around under my skin as I try to fall asleep.
They are tucked comfortably away back in the corner of your mind waiting for the perfect time to come slithering out and take over. There is no good or bad time for when they wreak havoc. They know the best and worst time to crawl back into my head.
Some call them demons, while some call them nightmares. I've heard others refer to them as just bad memories they cannot forget. Whatever it is that you want to call them, they won't ever go away. As hard as you want to fight and try to forget, as hard as you try to stop the madness, it won't go away. Those demons know they are in your head and they know they can control every bit of who and what you are. So the question is, "how do we cope and stay in control"? What could we possibly do to stay sane in our own own incredibly insane world? How could I possibly fight these demons? What could I possibly do to prevent myself from going totally bat shit crazy?
I've come from a place that long ago I had run from. Yet it seems I didn't run fast enough or far enough. For years the suffering was silenced and I had some peace. But then the demons decided it was time to come crashing into my world again.
For so long life was good. I went years with little issues from my past and I was enjoying the peace and quit that I had come to find from purging my life of hate, drama, negative people, and negative energy altogether. Everything seemed to have fallen into place and it was a very good place. And I liked that place.
Over the last few years I had spent a great deal of time dealing with things that started to creep up on me and interrupt the peaceful life I had. I worked so hard to make those creepy things go away and to leave them behind. I didn't want to waste too much time on those things that I wanted out of my head and my life. But I soon realized those things I wanted out of my head and life where the demons from that time long long ago.
The demons began to slowly make cameo appearances in my dreams. I remember having dreams of some of the good times of my childhood. When I would wake up I recalled what the dreams were and they didn't have any effect on me. But then it started! Good dreams became bad dreams because of tiny glitches. Little things would happen in those dreams that would wake me up in the middle of the night. It was like watching TV and the screen would flicker, disappear or freeze. At first it was just a bit annoying, but it began to happen more and more and grew even more intense. I realized my biggest fear may be coming true again.
The dreams soon became nightmares. I would wake up several times a night from them and soon I couldn't sleep altogether. I spent every night doing all I could to avoid sleep. I tried to allow myself to sleep for an hour or so, but I had no control over the demons. The demons would come during a long sleep filled night or a one hour nap. There was no discretion on their part about when they would crawl around inside my head. Every now and then I could get lucky and the demons wouldn't come around. But eventually I would become so exhausted from no sleep that I couldn't stay awake any longer.
The lack of sleep took its toll on me. It affected every single part of my life. Every person in my life was a victim of these demons as much as I was. I was becoming less patient, less tolerant, quick to be irritated, and short to anger.
Sleep deprivation makes you lose all control over your emotions, while also physically taking its toll. I began to gain weight. I was stress eating with little or no care for what or how much I ate. I began having health issues, I was always tired, having chronic headaches, body pain, and simply feeling like crap all the time.
The psychological issues that came with the demons are more frightening than any physical ailment I could have. I was slowly drowning and I saw nothing that would save me. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years. I finally had to reach out for help. Although I had spent time with therapists before this all started, I knew I needed help again. When I finally found a therapist that I thought would understand and know what I was suffering, I made the appointment. I will refer to that therapist as "LB". But I had a fear that this one would be like the others and simply listen without really listening. But the one thing that was prevalent between the therapists I saw is that they are all woman. And I have a very simple and direct answer to that: I don't trust men!
Fighting was not going to be easy, but I had to. I began by facing the demons head-on. Taking back control was the first thing I had to do.
Going back a few years I have to say it was a bit uncomfortable to be sitting in front of another therapist again. I hoped it would be the last one too. But being that LB knew nothing about me I had to start all over again and dig up all that stuff I hated and didn't want to talk about. One thing that I noticed from the beginning was that LB could see right through any bullshit. And LB would call you out on it. I really liked that because honesty is the foundation of positive therapy.
Sessions went on for over a year and I found myself feeling ok with myself and where I was. Time between sessions became more and more and eventually I stopped going. Over the next year or so things were good. But in the last several months I started to experience all the issues I had before. The demons were back and I couldn't bear it again.
I contacted LB and said I needed see them soon. I explained that I had fallen into a deep depression and was beginning to have nightmares again. But if I had to choose between the two, I would choose the demons over the depression. At least with the demons they go away now and then. The depression doesn't.
We were trying to focus on where it started and what were the underlying causes. We talked about what the nightmares were and what or who was in it. It wasn't easy. And I was going back to that place again and was terrified to go there. It wasn't easy trying to describe the nightmares because there were images and events that I couldn't understand and had no idea why I was seeing this in my dreams. what was more troubling for me was that as we dug deep into what was going on the nightmares became more frequent. And sometimes they were more disturbing.
Once we got down to it, I realized that I had something in my life that took me right back to where I was when I was a child and teen. It was ripping into me and sending me deeper into that place that turned me into someone I hated. But I had to face it and I had to beat it. I knew what I had to do and I knew what it would do to others as well. But my own mental health and well being are more important than anyone. What good am I to anyone if I had stayed where I was because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings?
And because of those people and the events leading up to, and beyond, when I started to sink, I knew I had triggers that were causing this. When I think of triggers I think of angry people, belligerent people and arrogant people. These are the kind of people you can send over the edge by triggering their anger because they think they are never wrong. Angry people are just angry at the entire world and get triggered the most. But I found that triggers can effect anyone for any reason. The people that were triggering my world were turning my brain upside down and bringing all that evil back from my childhood. There was so much hate in my family as a child. There was anger, hate, selfishness, contempt and fear. And all of these were ripping into my own family and I was having a difficult time dealing it. All these things were coming back to me. I found myself extremely short to anger and quick to criticize. I was beginning to look for a fight that wasn't there and going after the bait people were throwing at me. They knew how to trigger me and took advantage of it. And I was allowing them to do it. and because of this I began to withdraw and I started to fall into a deep depression I didn't think I could get out of. I didn't want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and wanted to be alone. For nearly seven months I just fell deeper and deeper into that depression.
When LB and I talked, I had to realize that what was happening really didn't have anything to do with me. It wasn't me who was angry at the world. I wasn't the one who wanted to hate everyone around me. I wasn't the one verbally attacking people for no reason. And I certainly wasn't the one wanting cause as much pain and misery as I could in other's lives.
And so as I started to understand where all this began and where it all came from I found that I began to relax a bit and I started to feel a little bit of that peace I had before. I had to let myself be a little angry to begin to heal. The anger wasn't for anyone else. It was for me. I was angry I let them do that to me. I was angry I took the bait and was triggered so easily.
A few years ago I finally forgave my father so I could move on. And I think because of that my life became peaceful and I had the life I wanted and the joy I never had. And one of the joys in my life now, ironically, is that I believe my father comes around often and lets us know he is here. But because of what I was going through we believe those times when he did come around were triggering the nightmares. Long before all this I would sit sometimes and ask if he were around. I would even talk to him. But I stopped doing that during this time.
I am back to sitting around and talking to him. When one of us senses he is there we both say hello and go on about our business. I invite him in sometimes and I also know that sometimes he goes where I go. This is a big turn around for me from where I was even just a year ago. I still have work to do and I know I will have to always work on fighting off the demons. But it is my life and I am the one in control. As long as I never forget how strong I am and how resilient I can be, I will always be able to beat the demons.
While I thought I would never have peace again, I wasn't about to give up without a fight. I don't ever want the demons to win. I will not let the demons have that much control ever again. But if there were ever a prison that I was doing a life sentence in, it would be inside my own head fighting off the demons. But I will forever have to fight the demons and forever I will have to defend myself against those demons that want to take away any last bit of peace and joy I have.
We can come back from where we were and still have that peace we so much want. But I don't think we can let down that guard we have. When we do that we start to open that door for the demons to come back. I still have a way to go before I can say I am completely happy and content, but I'm fighting and I am going to win.
The demons are real and the demons are evil. I just wish more people could understand what it is like to fight for your life everyday inside your own head.
I cover my ears and I still hear them.
I lay quiet at night and I feel their presence.
They crawl around under my skin as I try to fall asleep.
They are tucked comfortably away back in the corner of your mind waiting for the perfect time to come slithering out and take over. There is no good or bad time for when they wreak havoc. They know the best and worst time to crawl back into my head.
Some call them demons, while some call them nightmares. I've heard others refer to them as just bad memories they cannot forget. Whatever it is that you want to call them, they won't ever go away. As hard as you want to fight and try to forget, as hard as you try to stop the madness, it won't go away. Those demons know they are in your head and they know they can control every bit of who and what you are. So the question is, "how do we cope and stay in control"? What could we possibly do to stay sane in our own own incredibly insane world? How could I possibly fight these demons? What could I possibly do to prevent myself from going totally bat shit crazy?
For so long life was good. I went years with little issues from my past and I was enjoying the peace and quit that I had come to find from purging my life of hate, drama, negative people, and negative energy altogether. Everything seemed to have fallen into place and it was a very good place. And I liked that place.
Over the last few years I had spent a great deal of time dealing with things that started to creep up on me and interrupt the peaceful life I had. I worked so hard to make those creepy things go away and to leave them behind. I didn't want to waste too much time on those things that I wanted out of my head and my life. But I soon realized those things I wanted out of my head and life where the demons from that time long long ago.
The demons began to slowly make cameo appearances in my dreams. I remember having dreams of some of the good times of my childhood. When I would wake up I recalled what the dreams were and they didn't have any effect on me. But then it started! Good dreams became bad dreams because of tiny glitches. Little things would happen in those dreams that would wake me up in the middle of the night. It was like watching TV and the screen would flicker, disappear or freeze. At first it was just a bit annoying, but it began to happen more and more and grew even more intense. I realized my biggest fear may be coming true again.The dreams soon became nightmares. I would wake up several times a night from them and soon I couldn't sleep altogether. I spent every night doing all I could to avoid sleep. I tried to allow myself to sleep for an hour or so, but I had no control over the demons. The demons would come during a long sleep filled night or a one hour nap. There was no discretion on their part about when they would crawl around inside my head. Every now and then I could get lucky and the demons wouldn't come around. But eventually I would become so exhausted from no sleep that I couldn't stay awake any longer.
The lack of sleep took its toll on me. It affected every single part of my life. Every person in my life was a victim of these demons as much as I was. I was becoming less patient, less tolerant, quick to be irritated, and short to anger.
Sleep deprivation makes you lose all control over your emotions, while also physically taking its toll. I began to gain weight. I was stress eating with little or no care for what or how much I ate. I began having health issues, I was always tired, having chronic headaches, body pain, and simply feeling like crap all the time.
The psychological issues that came with the demons are more frightening than any physical ailment I could have. I was slowly drowning and I saw nothing that would save me. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years. I finally had to reach out for help. Although I had spent time with therapists before this all started, I knew I needed help again. When I finally found a therapist that I thought would understand and know what I was suffering, I made the appointment. I will refer to that therapist as "LB". But I had a fear that this one would be like the others and simply listen without really listening. But the one thing that was prevalent between the therapists I saw is that they are all woman. And I have a very simple and direct answer to that: I don't trust men!Fighting was not going to be easy, but I had to. I began by facing the demons head-on. Taking back control was the first thing I had to do.
Going back a few years I have to say it was a bit uncomfortable to be sitting in front of another therapist again. I hoped it would be the last one too. But being that LB knew nothing about me I had to start all over again and dig up all that stuff I hated and didn't want to talk about. One thing that I noticed from the beginning was that LB could see right through any bullshit. And LB would call you out on it. I really liked that because honesty is the foundation of positive therapy.
Sessions went on for over a year and I found myself feeling ok with myself and where I was. Time between sessions became more and more and eventually I stopped going. Over the next year or so things were good. But in the last several months I started to experience all the issues I had before. The demons were back and I couldn't bear it again.
I contacted LB and said I needed see them soon. I explained that I had fallen into a deep depression and was beginning to have nightmares again. But if I had to choose between the two, I would choose the demons over the depression. At least with the demons they go away now and then. The depression doesn't.
We were trying to focus on where it started and what were the underlying causes. We talked about what the nightmares were and what or who was in it. It wasn't easy. And I was going back to that place again and was terrified to go there. It wasn't easy trying to describe the nightmares because there were images and events that I couldn't understand and had no idea why I was seeing this in my dreams. what was more troubling for me was that as we dug deep into what was going on the nightmares became more frequent. And sometimes they were more disturbing.
Once we got down to it, I realized that I had something in my life that took me right back to where I was when I was a child and teen. It was ripping into me and sending me deeper into that place that turned me into someone I hated. But I had to face it and I had to beat it. I knew what I had to do and I knew what it would do to others as well. But my own mental health and well being are more important than anyone. What good am I to anyone if I had stayed where I was because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings?
And because of those people and the events leading up to, and beyond, when I started to sink, I knew I had triggers that were causing this. When I think of triggers I think of angry people, belligerent people and arrogant people. These are the kind of people you can send over the edge by triggering their anger because they think they are never wrong. Angry people are just angry at the entire world and get triggered the most. But I found that triggers can effect anyone for any reason. The people that were triggering my world were turning my brain upside down and bringing all that evil back from my childhood. There was so much hate in my family as a child. There was anger, hate, selfishness, contempt and fear. And all of these were ripping into my own family and I was having a difficult time dealing it. All these things were coming back to me. I found myself extremely short to anger and quick to criticize. I was beginning to look for a fight that wasn't there and going after the bait people were throwing at me. They knew how to trigger me and took advantage of it. And I was allowing them to do it. and because of this I began to withdraw and I started to fall into a deep depression I didn't think I could get out of. I didn't want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, and wanted to be alone. For nearly seven months I just fell deeper and deeper into that depression.
When LB and I talked, I had to realize that what was happening really didn't have anything to do with me. It wasn't me who was angry at the world. I wasn't the one who wanted to hate everyone around me. I wasn't the one verbally attacking people for no reason. And I certainly wasn't the one wanting cause as much pain and misery as I could in other's lives.
And so as I started to understand where all this began and where it all came from I found that I began to relax a bit and I started to feel a little bit of that peace I had before. I had to let myself be a little angry to begin to heal. The anger wasn't for anyone else. It was for me. I was angry I let them do that to me. I was angry I took the bait and was triggered so easily.
A few years ago I finally forgave my father so I could move on. And I think because of that my life became peaceful and I had the life I wanted and the joy I never had. And one of the joys in my life now, ironically, is that I believe my father comes around often and lets us know he is here. But because of what I was going through we believe those times when he did come around were triggering the nightmares. Long before all this I would sit sometimes and ask if he were around. I would even talk to him. But I stopped doing that during this time.
I am back to sitting around and talking to him. When one of us senses he is there we both say hello and go on about our business. I invite him in sometimes and I also know that sometimes he goes where I go. This is a big turn around for me from where I was even just a year ago. I still have work to do and I know I will have to always work on fighting off the demons. But it is my life and I am the one in control. As long as I never forget how strong I am and how resilient I can be, I will always be able to beat the demons.
While I thought I would never have peace again, I wasn't about to give up without a fight. I don't ever want the demons to win. I will not let the demons have that much control ever again. But if there were ever a prison that I was doing a life sentence in, it would be inside my own head fighting off the demons. But I will forever have to fight the demons and forever I will have to defend myself against those demons that want to take away any last bit of peace and joy I have.
We can come back from where we were and still have that peace we so much want. But I don't think we can let down that guard we have. When we do that we start to open that door for the demons to come back. I still have a way to go before I can say I am completely happy and content, but I'm fighting and I am going to win.The demons are real and the demons are evil. I just wish more people could understand what it is like to fight for your life everyday inside your own head.
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