I've caught a lot of crap for calling people out for playing the victim card, using their victim mentality for gain, for even having a victim mentality, and for calling foul when someone says they are entitled to sympathy and empathy for what they have suffered. No one is entitled to anything.
In "Life Without Parole" the title includes the quote from me "Justice being served or not, being a victim carries its own life sentence." What you will read here might seem to contradict that statement. But read through and you will understand.
I have suffered such great abuse in my life, and probably so much so that it is enough for a hundred people. But I don't whine about, complain about, or even cry over it. It's a part of my life and I deal with the effects of it every day. But I no longer cry about being a victim. I stopped doing that a long time ago. Why? Because as long as I keep focusing on being a victim I will always be one. And as long as I keep doing that I will never be able to move forward. It will never let go of me and it will drag me down every time. I am also not going to create a persona of being a victim to get empathy, sympathy or to create drama in my or anyone else's life. Again this is the victim mentality I don't have. I'm not going to blame anyone or anything for what or who I am, or even what I became after the abuse. I did that for a long time.
I see it everyday where someone is crying victim and then survivor. I'm not a survivor. I survived. It's over and I am moving on. The more we use adjectives to describe who we are because of the abuse we suffered we will never be able to move on. Or in the case where people use it to get that empathy and attention it becomes something that they thrive on and become the victim all over again. Therefore they haven't survived and keep living it over and over.
The more you cry victim it will eventually cause people to not want to listen to you. If you want to live a life alone and secluded, keep crying victim and it will happen. Eventually you begin to lose friends. Eventually you become a recluse or soon find yourself very alone. This comes from people not wanting to deal with, hear about, or being forced to support your victim mentality.
You can only be a victim once unless it repeatedly happens to you. If the abuse continues and does not stop then you will always be a victim. In my case the abuse stopped and I stopped being a victim. But what about "Justice being served or not, being a victim carries its own life sentence"? The consequences of being a victim is what will stay with you forever. But it's also how you deal with those consequences that will define who you will become and how you will live your life.
Most who are living a victim mentality perceive life as a failure — that life isn’t going their way or the way they want — it is just too painful to deal with life as it is. Some use it as a way to explain away their failures and not to take responsibility for their inability to deal with life or for the things they did to create the life they hate so much. I do know that sometimes we learn this behavior from parents and know no other way. But there needs to come a point in their life where they have a "coming to Jesus moment". You can't claim ignorance forever. Someday you have to finally "get it" and see that life doesn't care how you feel or what you want. It's up to you to make that change. In order to change, YOU have to change.
Your own self-worth and dignity are going to dictate how you perceive yourself and ultimately how others perceive you. Unfortunately there are victim haters out there. There are those who have a self-righteous attitude and believe that they are well above having to deal with those who have a victim mentality. Let's just write them off now and not worry about it.
Being a victim is not something we should dismiss, but it also isn't something we should carry with us forever as a crutch. I know that not every circumstance that made us a victim can be dealt with easily and not affect our self-esteem. But being a victim for your entire life doesn't have to happen either.
Step up in life, not down.
You can only be a victim once unless it repeatedly happens to you. If the abuse continues and does not stop then you will always be a victim. In my case the abuse stopped and I stopped being a victim. But what about "Justice being served or not, being a victim carries its own life sentence"? The consequences of being a victim is what will stay with you forever. But it's also how you deal with those consequences that will define who you will become and how you will live your life.
Most who are living a victim mentality perceive life as a failure — that life isn’t going their way or the way they want — it is just too painful to deal with life as it is. Some use it as a way to explain away their failures and not to take responsibility for their inability to deal with life or for the things they did to create the life they hate so much. I do know that sometimes we learn this behavior from parents and know no other way. But there needs to come a point in their life where they have a "coming to Jesus moment". You can't claim ignorance forever. Someday you have to finally "get it" and see that life doesn't care how you feel or what you want. It's up to you to make that change. In order to change, YOU have to change.
Your own self-worth and dignity are going to dictate how you perceive yourself and ultimately how others perceive you. Unfortunately there are victim haters out there. There are those who have a self-righteous attitude and believe that they are well above having to deal with those who have a victim mentality. Let's just write them off now and not worry about it.
Being a victim is not something we should dismiss, but it also isn't something we should carry with us forever as a crutch. I know that not every circumstance that made us a victim can be dealt with easily and not affect our self-esteem. But being a victim for your entire life doesn't have to happen either.
Step up in life, not down.
I have to agree with you on a few points. One, to me, your right about being a victim is its own life sentence. I think that applies to anything that allows yourself to be an adult victim in any situation. However, I think a child is a victim until they become and adult and learn to think for themselves. Then we can say they are choosing to be a victim. I am not sure that is a hard and fast rule because there are plenty of cultures it might not apply to.
ReplyDeleteTwo, the I'm not a survivor, but I survived. I like this distinction, it seems like it has layers to consider when it's applied to oneself. I would like to ponder it more. Three, the whole language for child abuse survivors comes from criminology. I wish there was a different way to talk about it. Yes, it is a crime against children but if its the only vocabulary we have then, it leaves out other perspectives. What happened to me, I was so young, I didn't at first know it was wrong, I just didn't like it. I didn't have anything else to define what had happened to me. Thank you for writing about how you think about what happened when you were young. Its sad that it happened and good that your offering your experiences and mindset to other who have not made their way through the aftermath..
Thanks again.