I had not looked back through my blog, but I am not sure if I shared about questioning my faith. Now, it's not as bad as it may seem. I say that because there are people who are just absolutely taken aback that anyone would question there faith and belief in God. But I can say that EVERYONE at one time or another has done that.
In spite of what some may think and in spite of what I have said to "them", I cannot blame anyone else for my inability to continue to write. I stopped working on the new book. The reason is because I lost sight of why I was writing it and what I was actually writing about. My intent was to rewrite the first book with new content added and to also delve deep into how I survived and how I kept my faith through it all. But during that process I realized, with the help of voices in my head (through the phone) I was preaching and not writing. I was referencing scripture and trying to connect it to what I experienced and how I dealt with it. But that wasn't what I wanted and it certainly was not how things went back then.
Recently I have struggled with my trust and faith in God and what I have been taught and learned over the years. I've begun to have regular arguments with God about life and what I have experienced. I have called God a liar and accused Him of being deceptive. I have questioned so much that I am not sure now of what to believe.
At a time when my faith was strong I believed that all was good in the world with me and God and His plan for me, it was then I saw that plan begin to unravel. The road got bumpy, muddy and difficult to travel. I suffered many flat tires, engine breakdowns and too many times running out of fuel along that road. My physical and spiritual health was taking a toll and I was not sure how much I could endure. My physical health was deteriorating and I began to fear the worst. Although I have always been of the mind set that we leave this earth when it's time and we will never see the clock to know when that time will be. Thus I never feared death. But the more time I spent in doctors offices, hospitals and clinics I began to realize my mortality. And my time was drawing nearer than I had perceived it ever had before. I became obsessive about my health to a point that nothing else was a priority. Not even my mental or spiritual health.Well, as time went on I began to come back to reality and stop obsessing. Which was not a good thing because now I am back where I was and still incredibly over weight and unhealthy. This I am working on with a nutritionist and my doctor. But that's a battle I fight everyday.
My spiritual arguments continued. I began to call God out on what was happening to me and what was happening around me. I certainly was not to blame for any of this. He was. Who else could be at fault? He is the all powerful and almighty. I even told Him he needed to get His stuff together because He was really messing up my life. I was fighting depression more than I ever had before. It was debilitating and was affecting everyone around me. I began to see that what I was experiencing and rationalizing was affecting my entire world and everyone who lived in it.
Faith will control everything about you. It will make you do crazy things and have horrible thoughts. But it can also make you do wonderful things and have joyous thoughts. It all depends on what you have faith in. So what did I have faith in that was leading me to believe so much, and experience such depressive moments? What was there that drew me in that captured even the most rational part of who I was? Did I give in to the irrational thought process that God doesn't exist any longer? That faith in the spirit was false? Was I giving in to the thoughts that trusting a god was unhealthy? Or that I can survive without any type of spiritual intervention in my life? This was a struggle I knew too well.
I've begun to question what I have in my life and what it is worth. I've already had questions of why I need certain things and people in my life. I've purged friends before, and certainly am not afraid to do it once again. But why am I thinking this way and wanting to do all this? What the hell is going on??? I look back in my life and I could probably give a thousand reasons why I would have this problem. But there really isn't much of a reason for it now.
Am I now questioning if there is a God? Or is it simply my faith in God? I do believe there is a God. I do believe that there is a God that created all there is in this world. But what role does this God play in my life? What does He want from me? I want a payoff for what I do and God isn't giving it to me.
In the past I came to my senses and came to a conclusion that God was God and that was it. I needed to succumb to His way, His word, and His direction. I was to submit.
The struggle is not uncommon. Not with me anyway. I struggle constantly with my faith. And I think it comes from a lack of completely submitting to God. Although I've fooled myself into thinking I have done that, I know I haven't. Why? I don't want to give up things that I know I have to. I'm being extremely selfish here. There is a lot I have to give up and way too much I don't want to give up.
What's the solution? I have no clue. Where do I go from here? I think my first move is to stop being so angry at God. We all know that if we harbor anger towards someone we can't see clear enough to find the problem. Some times that problem is simple. Our anger clouds our judgement and we see things magnified to a point of being unable to make sensible decisions and to actually understand the real issues.
My journey continues and will never end. Although, there will come a day when I finally do understand and accept the inevitable of having unquestionable faith in God. But when?
To be continued...........................
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