Although it has been many years since I was able to finally deal with and understand the abuse I suffered as a child and teen, I still have those days of coping with the effects. I wrote in my book that the aftermath of abuse stays with the victim forever. It is a never ending process of dealing with the emotional struggle going on in my head. I've moved on past the physical pain I once suffered, but I struggle with the mental burden of carrying it with me.
Remember; "Justice Being Served or Not, Being a Victim Carries Its Own Life Sentence".
Every now and then we seem to drift back to the days we sometimes wish we could forget. There are times when the demons creep up on us and give us a scare or two. And those demons seem to like making frequent appearances. But the easiest part of dealing with them is knowing that there is nothing they can do to me any longer. I see it like over coming not being able to swim. When we don't know how to swim we are terrified of the water. We avoid it, stay away from and don't go in it. But once we learn to swim we actually enjoy it. I'm not saying to enjoy those demons when they come around, but we no longer have fear of the water because we know it won't hurt us because we know how to deal with it. We've learned to swim. The same goes for my demons. I'm learning how to deal with them.
Carpenters and artists spend their life creating things that some would think are magnificent works of art. The process they go through in creating these masterpieces is incredible. It first starts in their mind. They imagine what they want to create and eventually it comes out in their hands and they begin the process of using their imagination to create life in their works of art. In the same way, we must learn to use what our mind gives us to create something that is magnificent and a work of art. We create our own images in our mind. And sometimes those images are those demons that seem to never go away. We find it difficult to think of something that could be pleasing when the demons want control. But working slowly and with passion, a carpenter creates what he finds beautiful. Find that one thing that gives you passion for life. I'm looking for mine. My life is a work of art that is always being worked on and a creation I cannot allow those demons to undo. It's my life, my body, and it's my decision what I do. The demons will never have their way.
As a carpenter carves away the wood not necessary, we must also remove that which is negative in our lives. The negative people who control our emotions are some of those demons. Not to say they are demonic, but it's a metaphorical thing. But people who cannot stop complaining about their lives are some of the most negative there is. Why am I going to subject myself to listen to someone complain from morning till night about how miserable they are? How can I be happy and content with life if people around me are focused on drinking, partying, getting high and neglecting their own bodies? I used to allow so much negativity in my life. I found I was falling into that world of
depression, despair and even hate when the negative was around me. I began the long process of meticulously removing all that was negative in my life. As I went through that process I began to see the days getting brighter, my sense of accepting myself becoming more positive and the emotional storms turning into sun-showers.
It wasn't only negative people I needed to remove. My own thoughts of "life sucks" controlled my emotions and how others even saw me. It controlled how I treated others and eventually how they treated me. My life does not suck. God gave me this life and saying it sucks is an insult to God. God didn't make things sucky for me. I did. But this is the only life I have and I need to make sure that as I go about it I enjoy it, treasure it, embrace it, and live it as long as I can. There are no short cuts in life. It's when you take those short cuts you begin to go down that negative road again. Stay on the pavement and enjoy a smooth ride. When you focus on problems, you have more problems.
One of my biggest problems, if I need to say it that way, is that I tend to compartmentalize everything and it becomes extremely crowded in my head. I put it all in one place. So then everything wants more space and it seems that the negative always wins and takes over. A great method of dealing with negative in my life is to immediately get rid of it. If I come across someone who is so negative that I am uncomfortable around them, I will either walk away, be polite and listen for a bit to not be impolite, or I will simply ask them to not be so negative. Either way it stops. I've had people get insulted that I didn't want to listen to their bitch session. It's about me, not them.
I may have lost some friends for my purging of negative in my life, but if they were one of the purged, then obviously there was enough negative to purge them. I'm sure some are thinking some of this is a bit extreme or over the top. But when it comes to my mental health and being happy, nothing is too extreme. I need to be happy and content with my life. And my way of doing that is getting rid of the negative things that cause me to be unhappy.
Coping! Is it that easy? Is it easy to deal with the things that drive us crazy? Can we move forward with the baggage that drags us down? I have to say that if you still have baggage then you haven't rid yourself of the negative in your life. Of course coping with past abuse is not so easy. Counseling is always the preferred way of dealing with it. But to help get us through we need to focus on life we have ahead of us and what we want. We need to stay the course and push forward through whatever struggles we encounter. Can we do it alone? Some can. But I'll bet most need another someone to help. Reach out when you can and find someone who understands and "gets it". Not everyone knows what it's like to be a victim of abuse. And not everyone knows what it's like to live with that abuse long after the physical abuse stops.
I've focused on what is important in my life. I've learned to know what I really need and what I really want in my life. It's my life and it's my choice. Whatever passions you have that can help you cope with your struggles, focus on it and drive forward. We can't focus on where we need to go when we keep looking back at where we have been. Have goals in your life. But keep your goals small to avoid being disappointed if you do not reach them.
Remember, "Small Goals Lead to Big Results."
Remember; "Justice Being Served or Not, Being a Victim Carries Its Own Life Sentence".
Every now and then we seem to drift back to the days we sometimes wish we could forget. There are times when the demons creep up on us and give us a scare or two. And those demons seem to like making frequent appearances. But the easiest part of dealing with them is knowing that there is nothing they can do to me any longer. I see it like over coming not being able to swim. When we don't know how to swim we are terrified of the water. We avoid it, stay away from and don't go in it. But once we learn to swim we actually enjoy it. I'm not saying to enjoy those demons when they come around, but we no longer have fear of the water because we know it won't hurt us because we know how to deal with it. We've learned to swim. The same goes for my demons. I'm learning how to deal with them.
Carpenters and artists spend their life creating things that some would think are magnificent works of art. The process they go through in creating these masterpieces is incredible. It first starts in their mind. They imagine what they want to create and eventually it comes out in their hands and they begin the process of using their imagination to create life in their works of art. In the same way, we must learn to use what our mind gives us to create something that is magnificent and a work of art. We create our own images in our mind. And sometimes those images are those demons that seem to never go away. We find it difficult to think of something that could be pleasing when the demons want control. But working slowly and with passion, a carpenter creates what he finds beautiful. Find that one thing that gives you passion for life. I'm looking for mine. My life is a work of art that is always being worked on and a creation I cannot allow those demons to undo. It's my life, my body, and it's my decision what I do. The demons will never have their way.
As a carpenter carves away the wood not necessary, we must also remove that which is negative in our lives. The negative people who control our emotions are some of those demons. Not to say they are demonic, but it's a metaphorical thing. But people who cannot stop complaining about their lives are some of the most negative there is. Why am I going to subject myself to listen to someone complain from morning till night about how miserable they are? How can I be happy and content with life if people around me are focused on drinking, partying, getting high and neglecting their own bodies? I used to allow so much negativity in my life. I found I was falling into that world of
depression, despair and even hate when the negative was around me. I began the long process of meticulously removing all that was negative in my life. As I went through that process I began to see the days getting brighter, my sense of accepting myself becoming more positive and the emotional storms turning into sun-showers.
It wasn't only negative people I needed to remove. My own thoughts of "life sucks" controlled my emotions and how others even saw me. It controlled how I treated others and eventually how they treated me. My life does not suck. God gave me this life and saying it sucks is an insult to God. God didn't make things sucky for me. I did. But this is the only life I have and I need to make sure that as I go about it I enjoy it, treasure it, embrace it, and live it as long as I can. There are no short cuts in life. It's when you take those short cuts you begin to go down that negative road again. Stay on the pavement and enjoy a smooth ride. When you focus on problems, you have more problems.One of my biggest problems, if I need to say it that way, is that I tend to compartmentalize everything and it becomes extremely crowded in my head. I put it all in one place. So then everything wants more space and it seems that the negative always wins and takes over. A great method of dealing with negative in my life is to immediately get rid of it. If I come across someone who is so negative that I am uncomfortable around them, I will either walk away, be polite and listen for a bit to not be impolite, or I will simply ask them to not be so negative. Either way it stops. I've had people get insulted that I didn't want to listen to their bitch session. It's about me, not them.
I may have lost some friends for my purging of negative in my life, but if they were one of the purged, then obviously there was enough negative to purge them. I'm sure some are thinking some of this is a bit extreme or over the top. But when it comes to my mental health and being happy, nothing is too extreme. I need to be happy and content with my life. And my way of doing that is getting rid of the negative things that cause me to be unhappy.
Coping! Is it that easy? Is it easy to deal with the things that drive us crazy? Can we move forward with the baggage that drags us down? I have to say that if you still have baggage then you haven't rid yourself of the negative in your life. Of course coping with past abuse is not so easy. Counseling is always the preferred way of dealing with it. But to help get us through we need to focus on life we have ahead of us and what we want. We need to stay the course and push forward through whatever struggles we encounter. Can we do it alone? Some can. But I'll bet most need another someone to help. Reach out when you can and find someone who understands and "gets it". Not everyone knows what it's like to be a victim of abuse. And not everyone knows what it's like to live with that abuse long after the physical abuse stops.
I've focused on what is important in my life. I've learned to know what I really need and what I really want in my life. It's my life and it's my choice. Whatever passions you have that can help you cope with your struggles, focus on it and drive forward. We can't focus on where we need to go when we keep looking back at where we have been. Have goals in your life. But keep your goals small to avoid being disappointed if you do not reach them.
Remember, "Small Goals Lead to Big Results."
I’m so glad I found your blog again. I haven’t read it in several years so I’ve missed out on a lot of the changes you’ve gone through. One comment you said that I thought I would add a little information to is “counseling is always the preferred way of dealing with it”. I’m not so sure that that always works well for sexual abuse survivors and I am speaking now as a counselor and as a survivor. We have such issues with being alone in a room with someone who has some sort of authority over us that obstacle alone prevents so much of our moving forward in a counseling session.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to catch up with you. I haven't' read your blog in a while now but am working on getting caught up. This one is first on the list. I appreciate you keeping writing, I know the struggle is really difficult.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this one a particular thing you said stood out for me. " Counseling is always the preferred way of dealing with it" I would have to say this is not always true for sexual abuse survivors. I am speaking now as both a counselor and a survivor. Our experiences of being behind the closed doors with people who have authority over us inhibit us from moving forward in therapy. For many survivors, individual therapy will never work out and for them group therapy may be a better way to go. Often times, counselors don't have the particular skill set to adequately serve survivors. Survivors need well trained therapist and social workers to help. If a survivor doesn't do well with individual or group therapy they may use that as another point against them. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, now that its been a few years since you published them.
Counseling has always been important to me. I understand the struggle for some to not want to be alone with someone for an hour in a closed off room. But there are also alternatives to that. Just about every counselor does phone or video sessions as well as in person.
DeleteWe can't move forward, cope, understand or safely function without some external help. I just can't see anyone fixing their issues alone. Especially when dealing with sexual abuse. As victims we see things through tunnel vision. We have the ptsd that gets triggered often enough that it makes it difficult to function in life.
As for me, I have seen four therapists in the last 12 years. The first worked well with me but she retired two years into it. The second, we only had one session. I didn't trust him. The third turned out to have more emotional issues than I did and I walked form that one too. I finally found someone who understands, empathises, and actually hears what I say. I myself would not participate in group counseling. It's not for me.