One of the issues with surviving abuse is the constant doubt we get from those who have no clue. We also hear from the people who are too close to want to believe that someone they know and or love could do such horrible things. Not everyone gets it.
I could not count how many people gave me strange looks when they heard my story. Most were ok with it and believed it. But there were those who would cast doubt on the whole story. We, as survivors, deal with the doubt everyday. From morning until we go to sleep we always have those doubters talking in our head. Sometimes it makes us doubt ourselves. Yes, we will doubt our own story about what we suffered. When so many people tell you that you could not be right in saying what you do, you begin to wonder. But the reality of it is that it did happen.
I speak to people each about abuse and they all have the same thing to say and all the same questions. And it is sad that most of what they are asking is, "why don't they believe me?" "Why can't they understand?" The answer is simple: they don't understand. Anyone who has never been abused in anyway, cannot understand. Sometimes it is sad that they don't. They fail to see the horrible world which exists in front of them. Because of their own ignorance which is probably not their own fault, they cannot understand or even fathom such things happening.
When I finally broke my silence I began to see the doubt from people. I saw how much they did not want to believe. I am not sure that they even believe today, but nonetheless, the world goes on with it's blinders on.
Do we try to convince them of our story? Can we make them believe us? Can they ever really "get it"? No one, and I mean no one, who has never suffered abuse can or will ever understand. They will not know how we feel, felt or know the struggle to survive. They all pat us on the head and tell us it will be ok. But what they are really saying is that they know we have a problem and they really don't want to know or get involved. But they give us their sympathy with empathy. They feel sorry for us sometimes, and they reach out to support, yet they have no idea how to help. and that is the all important question we have to answer; how can they help?
We don't want the sympathy, pity or self righteousness we see all too often. Give us a bit of empathy with a little effort to try and understand. Don't tell us it will be alright. Don't tell us to "get over it". And certainly don't tell us it was probably our imagination. We just want to opportunity to move forward, move on, deal with our survival and get past the worse of it. Giving us some space sometimes helps, but mostly what we need is support. We need to know that you understand that you will never understand. Don't act like you understand what we feel and have gone through, because we will see right through it. Step back sometimes and take a good hard look and stop assuming,guessing, or pretend it is all good and it will be better.
One of the most important things to remember is to never treat us any different than you already have. More times than not we see a great change in people when they know our stories. We are looked at differently and even spoken to differently. We don't need your kid gloves when talking to us. Just because you know the story now does not mean I am a different person. If I am, it is because you want to see someone different, and regardless of what I am, you will see me as you want to now.
I change for no one but myself. But you can accept me for who I am now or who I was then. But you cannot accept me for being both. I am not that other person any longer.
I could not count how many people gave me strange looks when they heard my story. Most were ok with it and believed it. But there were those who would cast doubt on the whole story. We, as survivors, deal with the doubt everyday. From morning until we go to sleep we always have those doubters talking in our head. Sometimes it makes us doubt ourselves. Yes, we will doubt our own story about what we suffered. When so many people tell you that you could not be right in saying what you do, you begin to wonder. But the reality of it is that it did happen.
I speak to people each about abuse and they all have the same thing to say and all the same questions. And it is sad that most of what they are asking is, "why don't they believe me?" "Why can't they understand?" The answer is simple: they don't understand. Anyone who has never been abused in anyway, cannot understand. Sometimes it is sad that they don't. They fail to see the horrible world which exists in front of them. Because of their own ignorance which is probably not their own fault, they cannot understand or even fathom such things happening.
When I finally broke my silence I began to see the doubt from people. I saw how much they did not want to believe. I am not sure that they even believe today, but nonetheless, the world goes on with it's blinders on.
Do we try to convince them of our story? Can we make them believe us? Can they ever really "get it"? No one, and I mean no one, who has never suffered abuse can or will ever understand. They will not know how we feel, felt or know the struggle to survive. They all pat us on the head and tell us it will be ok. But what they are really saying is that they know we have a problem and they really don't want to know or get involved. But they give us their sympathy with empathy. They feel sorry for us sometimes, and they reach out to support, yet they have no idea how to help. and that is the all important question we have to answer; how can they help?
We don't want the sympathy, pity or self righteousness we see all too often. Give us a bit of empathy with a little effort to try and understand. Don't tell us it will be alright. Don't tell us to "get over it". And certainly don't tell us it was probably our imagination. We just want to opportunity to move forward, move on, deal with our survival and get past the worse of it. Giving us some space sometimes helps, but mostly what we need is support. We need to know that you understand that you will never understand. Don't act like you understand what we feel and have gone through, because we will see right through it. Step back sometimes and take a good hard look and stop assuming,guessing, or pretend it is all good and it will be better.
One of the most important things to remember is to never treat us any different than you already have. More times than not we see a great change in people when they know our stories. We are looked at differently and even spoken to differently. We don't need your kid gloves when talking to us. Just because you know the story now does not mean I am a different person. If I am, it is because you want to see someone different, and regardless of what I am, you will see me as you want to now.
I change for no one but myself. But you can accept me for who I am now or who I was then. But you cannot accept me for being both. I am not that other person any longer.
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