Being a victim of sexual abuse brings with it issues with sex forever. Even though most go through therapy, counseling or some sort of support system, sex will always be a difficult subject to talk about.
When an incident of sexual abuse would happen, the feelings of guilt would come immediately during or after. It is inevitable. We felt it every time. Unfortunately, most still feel it even though the abuse has stopped and is gone. In normal relationships we have sex, but we still feel the guilt after sex because it is what came with the act long ago. No matter how well we have done with coping with the abuse, we still have issues with sex and the feelings after. Why do we still have the guilt? Sex was nothing more than a physical act when it was abusive. It was an ugly monster that terrified our lives. But we always thought we were the reason the abuse was happening. We thought we had done or said something that brought it on. Thus, we felt the guilt. As I said, for some of us we still have that guilt when we have sex. Although for me the guilt does not last long. Even so, I feel it. Sex was dirty and a bad thing for me while growing up. I have never been able to completely change that thought process. I enjoy sex and I know it is not a bad thing anymore. But for so many years it was taboo and wrong. Hard to change the way you think when it was all you knew.
Shame! Do we feel shame? Almost as much as we feel guilty. Why would there not be shame? We felt the shame a hundred times over when being abused. We felt ashamed and dirty. Shame comes with feeling like we have done something that is wrong and, for lack of a better word, shameful. Now, during sex I cannot say I feel these things. Like everyone else it feels good and I enjoy it. But there are those who still have issues with enjoying sex. But what it comes down to is that we need to trust the one we are with. We need to know that this person is someone who wants to be with us because of who we are and not for what they can get from us. We want to feel loved and loved for the fact that we can make them feel good as well. For so many years we were put in the position of being the ones who were used for someone else's pleasure. We want it to be about both and not just one. We want to feel that we matter in the relationship and we have a need as well. Sometimes that need is not sex. But when we feel good about who we are and good about how our partner feels, then the sex can be something good.
Sex is a good thing when it is between consenting partners and not in anyway abusive or demeaning. It is a beautiful thing when between two who have genuine love, passion, and the intimacy is real. There is nothing bad or ugly about sex. Unless it is abusive.
If you have a partner who has suffered sexual abuse in their life, please understand their thought process and have patience. show them the tenderness of the love and compassion you have. Being patient and understanding makes for a great relationship and builds a great amount of trust. Remember, trust was one of the first things we lost when the abuse started. It's fragile and it's difficult to get.
We go with how we feel and with how much we feel we can trust. Yes, we are complicated, but we ARE worth it!
Shame! Do we feel shame? Almost as much as we feel guilty. Why would there not be shame? We felt the shame a hundred times over when being abused. We felt ashamed and dirty. Shame comes with feeling like we have done something that is wrong and, for lack of a better word, shameful. Now, during sex I cannot say I feel these things. Like everyone else it feels good and I enjoy it. But there are those who still have issues with enjoying sex. But what it comes down to is that we need to trust the one we are with. We need to know that this person is someone who wants to be with us because of who we are and not for what they can get from us. We want to feel loved and loved for the fact that we can make them feel good as well. For so many years we were put in the position of being the ones who were used for someone else's pleasure. We want it to be about both and not just one. We want to feel that we matter in the relationship and we have a need as well. Sometimes that need is not sex. But when we feel good about who we are and good about how our partner feels, then the sex can be something good.
Sex is a good thing when it is between consenting partners and not in anyway abusive or demeaning. It is a beautiful thing when between two who have genuine love, passion, and the intimacy is real. There is nothing bad or ugly about sex. Unless it is abusive.If you have a partner who has suffered sexual abuse in their life, please understand their thought process and have patience. show them the tenderness of the love and compassion you have. Being patient and understanding makes for a great relationship and builds a great amount of trust. Remember, trust was one of the first things we lost when the abuse started. It's fragile and it's difficult to get.
We go with how we feel and with how much we feel we can trust. Yes, we are complicated, but we ARE worth it!
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